Ashamed and Unchanged

I'm being extremely patient right now. I'm waiting til my parents go to bed, so I can sneak outside and smoke a cigarette. Obviously, they still think I quit. It's been a month since I started up again.
I do need to break the habit because I know its disappointing to my husband. He called from Iraq two days ago and the conversation was light and cheerful, until that one measly cough. He asked if I'd been smoking still, after I'd told him so long ago I quit. I responded nervously, "No, I don't still smoke." Knowing how blatent the lie was, I went on to confess, where then his tone dropped and so did my chest. It may not seem like a gigantic deal to most, but this is my husband, who reluctantly lives the structured military life in Iraq. And furthermore, we both know he enlisted for my sake. So to disappoint him is a major offense and a reason that talk that day turned sour.
Nevertheless, I am still ready to tiptoe out the front door to selfishly grant my own wish.